Whiskey Jac

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:-D May 11, 2014

Filed under: assholes,Bitter,family,NOT MARTHA — whiskeyjac @ 3:59 pm

I find myself wearing the same grim lipped rictus grin my mother so frequently wore when I was growing up. 

It’s funny, coz you can’t always say “I should never have done X” because if you hadn’t done it you wouldn’t know that you SHOULDN”T have, and in some cases you’d actually regret that you hadn’t because you wouldn’t know better. 

So regret is fucking bullshit. 

So is Mother’s Day! 

I’ve been up sine 4, the washing machine doesn’t work, I just got my period, the breakfast I made didn’t keep because I made it too early – in an effort to have everything cleaned up before anyone would wake up to see the mess or the space I was taking up while cooking – and… oh yeah! I look like my mother did at my age, only not as thin. 

I’m going to put on the t.v. for the kids, read my book, and then take them out into the garden to pick up dog shit and rinse out the litter box  listen to the birds and try to stop feeling so disgustingly sorry for myself. 

 

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September 6, 2011

Filed under: assholes,depression — whiskeyjac @ 3:07 am

So today… was good. In the morning. Afternoon sucked. The high point was talking to my dad and trying to be calm and reasonable and crying! Crying in front of my dad which is the surest fucking way to freak him out and oh my fucking god, am I serious with this bullshit.

Man, sometimes I just… suck. You know? I know it. I wish I could erase outbursts like that the way I can erase blog posts. Life would be a lot less embarrassing for me and stressful for my family if I could erase and re-write.

I got to snuggle with kiddo a lot today. I try to do that. I feel like I am ignoring her, but I’m not sure if that’s because my mind is elsewhere so often, or if it even matters to her if I am. She seems ok. I don’t know. It’s been very nice with my father here, and Stephen home for the weekend – at least if I am ignoring her, someone else is with her. Not Sesame Street or Dora.

 

29 August 30, 2011

Filed under: assholes,Help,My Child Is Terrifying — whiskeyjac @ 3:35 am

29 of August and I’m 39 weeks. Thisi s the most pregnant I’ve ever been, and I don’t want to be.

But that is nothing new. So.

My father is here, it’s been really great. He’s such a help, Éowyn loves him to pieces and oh my gosh she gets to go out for walks at night. I simply fucking can’t with the walking anymore. Making breakfast breaks me. It’s fucking ridiculous and it was boring her to tears and tantrums. Now she has a buddy to play with and talk to. She’s doing well.

My father thinks he’s got a truck ready for him to buy, he got out with the realtor today – didn’t have time to show me the houses that he looked at because I had to go upstairs and clean the results of a fucking poop painting session that my THREE YEAR OLD daughter had in her room – and now he’s sleeping beside me while I post this in the guest room. He sounded pretty happy and tired – though as he put it, he’s not tired but hyper. Not that there is much of a difference. I think he’s able to buy himself a new (to him) truck which is great, his damn 22 year old Chevy is at the end of the line and I’ll be glad to know he is going back up northi n a reliable vehicle. One that isn’t held together by duct tape, spray paint, and dirt.

As for the whole pooping thing, hhh. I am pretty disappointed that she also ripped up some library books – and got massive amounts of fecal matter and urine on them to boot – not because I have to pay for them but because WHY ÉOWYN. WHY. When you know better, when you’ve been told, when I was right next door and heard you singing softly and happily and would have come right in to get you had you but asked me – WHY DID YOU SHIT. ON THE LIBRARY BOOKS.

I spent some time freaking out a bit, thinking that I was awful not paying enough attn to her, that she was scared to tell me she was awake because she’d get in trouble (SHE WOULD but thing is, she also knows that if she TELLS me that she needs to go to the bathroom she is FINE. I KNOW she knows this because she uses it to get up at night without getting in trouble. She LIES because she knows she can get a free pee pass) if she was messing around instead of napping. Is my kid scared of me? Is she developing delinquent behaviours because I don’t give her enough time and attention and love and play?

I dunno. I think she might just be an asshole. Which. You know. She comes by honestly.

I wasn’t mad at her until I saw the books. I had taken her into the bath, gotten her scrubbed off and she was sitting in a big thing full of bubbles and toys… and then I went back into the room to strip her bed. And saw. Holy fuck. I yelled. I made her cry. I don’t feel a bit guilty about that either – if I DON”T jesus, she just… it’s nothing to her. So yeah I made her cry. And then I stopped. Gave her a hug and a kiss after she got out, tried to talk to her about it… hhh. Tomorrow I’m going to take her to the library with Meo and return all the books – pay for the ones she ruined, and I just hope they don’t cost way over the retail price like say… rental dvd’s do – and if the librarian is amenable to it, I’m going to ask them to tell her she is not allowed to take any more out for awhile. I don’t know how much of an impact it’ll make, but she will have to tell them what she did – and I’ll talk to whoever it is at the desk first to make sure they don’t just coddle her. That’s pretty much all I can think to do. And. *shrug* No more library books for awhile. That will take a few days to sink in, but she won’t be happy about it when it does.

Mmph. I should go.

 

Gifted August 9, 2011

Filed under: assholes,gone mental,Help,My Child Is Terrifying — whiskeyjac @ 3:30 am

A few days ago Stephen had kiddo on his lap while I had a bath – they like to watch random youtube videos together. THIS ONE came up, and apparently this is all that she took away from it.


“I NEED. MORE. ICE CREAM!”

You know all those books and shows about kids having tantrums and the consequences of them? Yeah she watches and reads those, too. And then she quotes them when she flips her shit in the store the next time we’re out.

Quick study.

 

WTF Face June 30, 2011

Filed under: assholes,Bitter,Fuckers,swearing — whiskeyjac @ 4:41 am
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I used to have convos w my ex about her religious views.

We are tolerant! She used to tell me – It’s in our creed! The prophets heard it straight from God!

Tolerant, see, because they didn’t think that folks who didn’t believe as they did were going to hell for it, no. Only those who had been raised in the truth and who walked away from it were.

THE REST OF US JUST DON”T FUCKING KNOW BETTER.

Tolerance! It doesn’t mean what you think it means.

I am still angry and ashamed that I stayed with someone like that for as long as I did. It doesn’t speak well of my judgement. And yes, to be perfectly frank I believe that it is a sign of weakness to give up good judgement to pay lipservice to the dishonest and condescending – and in my personal case, cowardly – version of tolerance that I see these sorts of people practicing.

 

April 11, 2011

Filed under: assholes,Illin' — whiskeyjac @ 3:46 pm


She says she’s a “Poor Baby Éowyn”

And she is. Hhh. I wish I could make it better she’s pretty goddamn miserable and you all know I’m not the nicest mother, or a very patient person at all.
Poor Baby Éowyn.

 

Retrospect April 5, 2011

Filed under: assholes,family,WORRYWARTSAREVERYUNSIGHTLY — whiskeyjac @ 11:52 pm

Looking back at the relationships I had when I was younger, I always gravitated towards people who were older than me. I thought they were smart, interesting, capable, and worthy of admiration most of the time. I thought I was on their wave length because I was so mature, well read, smart – whatever.

Turns out now that I’m the age they were then – that no. I wasn’t anything special, not at 14 nor at 17. I was immature and young and stupid – I was a kid – and THEY were on MY wavelength.

It’s like watching a show you used to find hilarious and deep – and realizing that it’s completely lame now that you’re not drunk.