Whiskey Jac

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March 19, 2011

Filed under: depression,family,Yard Work and Gardening — whiskeyjac @ 4:32 am


She built those and brought them each to me, saying “Mama, wook a I made!” Very proud.

That’s her proud face. Bit scary!

my mother got those blocks for her when she came down to visit us… so long ago. We were lucky that both my parents were able to see us here in Lillooet at least once. It would have been strange for them to not know where I lived. Stephen is at a new job that I’ve never seen, with people I’ve never met, and that unsettles me a little. I like to have a visual of where the people I love spend their days.

It’s been hard talking to my parents lately. I miss them a lot. I wish they weren’t missing out on so much of the baby but I’m so very grateful that we are able to chat on video. Isn’t that amazing? And it’s practically free. So lucky. Imagine immigrating to the New World in the 1700s or something – you’d never see anyone again. If you could write and send letters, and if they got there, it’d take a year to hear back. I don’t have it so hard.

Stephen’s laptop died though. So we haven’t been able to chat. Just texting. It’s been lonely the last week.

Playgroup is shut down for a week while the co-ordinator attends a conference in Pendiction. It’s a really intense workshop regarding diabetic health and I”m so glad she’s able to go, she’s had health issues for a long time. It does mean that I’ve no where to take the baby really. I can bring her to the library but she’s not really… a library kid. She’s pretty noisy and we never stay long. I’ll have to find things to do with her – at least the school is closed for March break! Free park any time of the day. I like to take her on walks to the grocery stores too, and let her wander and pick out a fruit or veggie or something to snack on on the way home. It’s a way to fill the day.

So, I splurged. This is a brilliant post, isn’t it? Whatever, my life really IS this exciting so yes, I’m posting a picture of my shoes.

These… were expensive. I went in because I saw a sale on, but all shoes on sale were size 6. I shoulda coulda left! But I’d been thinking you know, about the last 4 months of my pregnancy with Éowyn and that awful back pain, the round ligament pains… the knee pain that I deal with just everyday and well. I walk everywhere. It’s necessary w/out a car but I LIKE walking and I NEED to get out – it helps my mood, it’s the only exercise I get, I want to teach the baby that walking is fun and not a chore. I’ll appreciate the fuck outta these in a few months. They’re pretty swell and I hope they LAST coz whoah. Luxury shoes.

So, I got outside with her after her nap today and cleaned the yard a bit more. I can’t really do much at once coz she gets bored so quickly most times. swept the concrete, put the soaker hoses away, turned the neglected compost… then tried to get out for a walk with her but we didn’t get far before she wanted to come back home. No park. She’s bored with it, and I am too – same GD park everyday for the last two years. Hardly ever any kids there to play with either which is strange to me. There’s not much else to do around here, but maybe if you have family… eh.

We’ve been having issues with sleep lately. Well. Getting to sleep. Fuck, you and me both, kid. Guess both our brains are jacked up most nights. Éowyn’s never slept with us, or with me or anything. A few time she’d doze beside me as an infant but that’s it. We never wanted to co-sleep, and neither did she. While we were at her grandparent’s house, though, she had trouble sleeping for various reasons – I ended up sleeping with her, or at the very least lying down with her till she slept most nights. She was fine when we got home, no adjustment issues, but it started out that she’d have nightmares and I’d bring her into my bed because to be honest – I have my own panic attack problems and I can’t deal with scared baby at night, alone. It terrifies me. NOT YOUR FIRST CANDIDATE FOR MOTHERHOOD AM I. Anyways, that was fine the few times I did that. But eventually she wanted to go to sleep WITH me. And I gave in. Once. Twice. Three night in a row this week. And dudes she is NOT a good co-sleeper. I have my cell with me to tell time and I kept track the first two nights – no shit it takes her two hours to stop floppig around, picking her nose, hugging me, kissing me, talking to me, tickling me, scratching her butt… she finds ways to keep herself awake. For two hours. I got mad, it didn’t do anything. I was nice, didn’t make a difference. Put her back in her own bed – it was like wrestling with a 33 pound rabid cat and the NOISE oh my god. So no, I sucked it up for three nights, with her waking every hour and bouncing up bright an dearly at 6:45 and demanding breakfast and ball and show. Morning sickness started coming back – it’s not the biggest deal in the world but fucking annoying. She finally went down last night after our big day together with lots and lots of attention and outdoor time and mom to herself and a bedtime of 10pm. Tonight I got her in bed at 9:15, and while I’ve written this post I’ve gone in 3 times. She’s been quiet for the last ten minutes.

We’re waiting to hear back from some ladies who made us a really low offer in March. We refused them after they said they couldn’t afford our lowest offer – but they are apparently trying to find additional financing. When the REA told me last week she said it’d be about a two week wait until THEY knew. It’s been a week. No news. The car is hopefully going to be insured and registered in Alberta by next Monday – yes? I think? – and then Stephen can put it up for sale.

Hope something gives soon. If nothing sells, it’s not like we can stretch this out indefinately. If I weren’t pregnant I guess we could. But we have until September on that score, and I really need to get some things done before then – and I don’t know how long it’ll take to do them all. I’m really pulling for a move by May. Anything later is going to be cutting it close. I don’t know what we’ll do if nothing sells. Rent the trailer, from another province? Apply for bankruptcy and lose both house and car to afford us the money to live there? That crushes me. Bankruptcy at fucking 25 years old when I’m not even working and am due to have another kid. Not how I pictured life to be at this point. If we rent it shouldn’t come to that but renting is a whole new fucking can of worms. Maybe the ladies would want to do a rent to own thing – that’s something to ask the REA if they say they can’t secure funds. Who knows.

Ah well. Scintillating stuff. I should just go to bed. You know, where I can think about this crap until midnight.

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