Last night after I nursed Éowyn to sleep I just held on to her and watched her breath, and made sure to relish the feel of her in my arms like that. Some days it feels like nursing will never end – and I do not mean that in a bad way. I mean… I am glad that I still cannot see the end of it. I love it, mostly, and so does she. Her eyes still roll back into her head when we settle to nurse on a night that she is particularly tired. I wont be able to see that for much longer.
So I held her, and listened to her, and thought about a mother I know who was spending last night in the hospital with her sad sick 11 week old baby girl. I thought about how lucky I am that she has never been sicker than a runny nose and red cheeks. I thought about a lot of things that I had to STOP thinking about real quick like.
When I put her down, I pulled her blankets up, and kissed her eyes, and her cheeks, and her fingers, and she didn’t even move. Pretty rare these days.
I came back out into the computer room and cried when I told Stephen what I had been thinking about.
Then, when she woke up at night – twice – like she has been for the last two months wanting me to come in and tuck her in again before she drifts back off? I yelled at her to go back to sleep. I got mad. I swore to myself and to Stephen. I wasnt nice when I went in to her. I tucked her in, and wiped her face and kissed her – but I wasnt nice about it.
Theres not much excuse for me, man. Shes a sweet and easy baby. I’m just selfish, and I fucking hate that about myself. I’m a lot better now than I used to be – but it’s not ok. Big fucking mom fail last night.
I am not posting this to get hey you are not that bad replies. Fuck that noise, sometimes you just fuck up. I have a temper and that is fine. What is NOT fine is not controlling it because the baby is wakeful. How shitty, and selfish, and lame, and childish, and just fucking BAD. Christ.