Whiskey Jac

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Not Just A Number September 23, 2010

Filed under: Fuckers — whiskeyjac @ 2:11 pm

I have really vivid dreams, last night I dreamed about my ex. Nothing weird just dreamed about her coming to visit my kid. Not pleasant.

She and I met when I was in high school, and she was playing drums in the extracurricular band. We met again a year later when we were both working at A&W. I was 16, she was 23. We moved in together when I was 17 and she was 24.

Now *I’m* 24. My life is a lot different than hers was at that age. And thinking of fucking a 17 year old – never mind buying booze for them and enabling their mental instability and creating such a co-dependant relationship – it makes me sick.

I hate thinking about her. I hate dreaming about her. I feel really gross about having seen her talking to my girl, even if it was just a dream.

Age isn’t just a fucking number. I didn’t see the big deal back then – I see now that a big part of it was that it was hard to tell her from a teenager herself sometimes. I always thought she was the one taking care of me, that I owed her so much and that I’d be completely lost without her. What the fuck do you know at 17?! My god. Nothing. And you’re too goddamn stupid to realize how little you know about yourself, about others. I think you have to be a little fucked in the head to want to spend that much time, to share that much of yourself with a teenager. I mean… you should be beyond that by this age I think.

Anyways. I’ve got some things to do today, I don’t want to think too much about all that uncomfortable rage bringing shit.

Yeah, there’s some things that I just don’t think will ever lose the bitter taste. This seems to get worse as time goes by – though I do think of it less and less.

OH WELL! Once my girl gets up my mood will be better. Till then I’ma make some coffee and try to tidy up so I can take her to playgroup.


2 Responses to “Not Just A Number”

  1. 1001petals Says:

    I moved in with a guy when I was 16 and he was 23. Well, it was a strange situation but we ended up living together. He totally took advantage of my naivity, I found out later he was boasting to people about how he snagged such a young person. . . .after almost 2 yrs he had an affair with my best friend. Ugh. Can you believe I still know him and was at his wedding and invited his daughters to V’s last birthday party?! Pretty crazy! He and I aren’t close — at all — but for some reason the connection remains.

    Anyway, I can relate to that sort of maligned situation. Complete with the intoxication (though I wasn’t very innocent in that way anyway, but still, you know?) I was just thinking of writing a post about looking back at things in retrospect, but instead of looking back at dating, looking back at how my parents raised me and realizing how effed up it was now that *I* am a parent.

    p.s. Wow, you’re really young! Must be amazing to have a child at that age, when you can really spread them out if you wish. I’m 32 going on 33 this year.

    • whiskeyjac Says:

      oh boy 16 and 23. that’s not a good idea. ever.
      i was just thinking… man what if my kid does this? what can you do? just stay close to them, don’t push them away.
      it’s funny how connections to people don’t always fade the way we’d like them to. funny exhasperating not funny haha.

      i don’t think of myself as young! haha, i didn’t then either. :-/ it is nice to have the option of spreading kiddos out but i’d like to have one soon – hopefully in 6 months or so we can start trying for a second baby. i’d like to be able to get out and work within a ten year time frame… ha. 🙂 you’re a great parent, i don’t think it’s effed up. you change, and you are your own person no matter what. what you were as a kid, and what your parents were – no i don’t think that has to limit you.

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