I have really vivid dreams, last night I dreamed about my ex. Nothing weird just dreamed about her coming to visit my kid. Not pleasant.
She and I met when I was in high school, and she was playing drums in the extracurricular band. We met again a year later when we were both working at A&W. I was 16, she was 23. We moved in together when I was 17 and she was 24.
Now *I’m* 24. My life is a lot different than hers was at that age. And thinking of fucking a 17 year old – never mind buying booze for them and enabling their mental instability and creating such a co-dependant relationship – it makes me sick.
I hate thinking about her. I hate dreaming about her. I feel really gross about having seen her talking to my girl, even if it was just a dream.
Age isn’t just a fucking number. I didn’t see the big deal back then – I see now that a big part of it was that it was hard to tell her from a teenager herself sometimes. I always thought she was the one taking care of me, that I owed her so much and that I’d be completely lost without her. What the fuck do you know at 17?! My god. Nothing. And you’re too goddamn stupid to realize how little you know about yourself, about others. I think you have to be a little fucked in the head to want to spend that much time, to share that much of yourself with a teenager. I mean… you should be beyond that by this age I think.
Yeah, there’s some things that I just don’t think will ever lose the bitter taste. This seems to get worse as time goes by – though I do think of it less and less.
OH WELL! Once my girl gets up my mood will be better. Till then I’ma make some coffee and try to tidy up so I can take her to playgroup.