Whiskey Jac

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Stuff September 8, 2010

Filed under: depression,family,gone mental — whiskeyjac @ 11:04 pm

You know, it’s funny? I start thinking there is something… something wrong. What’s wrong. What’s wrong with me. Hmm. And I can’t figure it out. And then it’s like a lightbulb goes off while I’m uploading pictures to post on my blog! DUH YOU ARE DEPRESSED AGAIN NOTHING NEW HERE SAME. OLD. SHIT. And it comforts me. It comforts me like a pair of brand new thick woolen dark brown socks on my feet in the morning. HELLO OLD FRIEND.

The shit about depression is… I guess… well. If I had to pick one thing. That bothered me. It would be that… I never am quite sure that my feet are on solid ground. I’m never sure that what I am feeling at any given time is real or if it’s a product of fucked up brain chemistry or habits. Coz it’s cyclical right? And yes, I think that depressive episodes become habit. And then you’re talking about clinical chronic depression. Or bi-polar disorder. Or whatever they decide to call it when you finally get up the courage to go and tell someone you’re sad and tired and hate yourself and you just don’t know what to do anymore and they talk to you for half an hour and see fit to dish up a diagnoses.

So it’s comforting that when you – when I, yes I’m half dissociating half just… talking the way I do – when you finally realize OH THAT IS WHAT THIS IS I am depressed again. Then it’s relief coz you know you can just duck and cover and wait it the fuck out.

Anyways I was uploading pictures so here are some from the last few days. I’m not unhappy all the time.

This is the sky on Sept.4 from my front door – it’s so beautiful here, the loveliest place I’ve ever lived. And I’m so glad it’s fall time.

Stephen and the Grubs – I put this up in large format so maybe you can see that they are both pretending to sleep. She gets up when it start feeling too much like real sleep.

Privacy when pooping is her priority.

She absolutely *loves* those boots. She’d wear them to bed if I let her.

Well it took a long time for her to get to sleep for her nap, and I’ve wasted at least half of it putting these up and looking at kid’s clothes and toys that I cannot and should not afford. Which, obviously does wonders for my state of mind. I should go clean. And muster up some enthusiasm so I’m happy mama when she gets up.


3 Responses to “Stuff”

  1. Nana Says:

    Well Lovey, I kind of get like that too. I don’t know what to do about it either. I think we all have to find our own way of coping. Mine is reading and just keep on keeping on. I like that you post the pictures and write on here.
    I love you.

    • whiskeyjac Says:

      I know you love me. I always know you love me. I love you, too.

      Now, get back to work, bitch. ❤ (remember how shocked that guy was?! remember when we'd come to visit you and bring ice capps w carol annes? awww, long time, now!)

  2. Star Says:

    Love the pics! I start every morning watching the mountains change as the sun comes over them. Lillooet’s mountains are fascinating because they change all day long because of the way the light hits them.

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