You know, it’s funny? I start thinking there is something… something wrong. What’s wrong. What’s wrong with me. Hmm. And I can’t figure it out. And then it’s like a lightbulb goes off while I’m uploading pictures to post on my blog! DUH YOU ARE DEPRESSED AGAIN NOTHING NEW HERE SAME. OLD. SHIT. And it comforts me. It comforts me like a pair of brand new thick woolen dark brown socks on my feet in the morning. HELLO OLD FRIEND.
The shit about depression is… I guess… well. If I had to pick one thing. That bothered me. It would be that… I never am quite sure that my feet are on solid ground. I’m never sure that what I am feeling at any given time is real or if it’s a product of fucked up brain chemistry or habits. Coz it’s cyclical right? And yes, I think that depressive episodes become habit. And then you’re talking about clinical chronic depression. Or bi-polar disorder. Or whatever they decide to call it when you finally get up the courage to go and tell someone you’re sad and tired and hate yourself and you just don’t know what to do anymore and they talk to you for half an hour and see fit to dish up a diagnoses.
So it’s comforting that when you – when I, yes I’m half dissociating half just… talking the way I do – when you finally realize OH THAT IS WHAT THIS IS I am depressed again. Then it’s relief coz you know you can just duck and cover and wait it the fuck out.
Anyways I was uploading pictures so here are some from the last few days. I’m not unhappy all the time.
This is the sky on Sept.4 from my front door – it’s so beautiful here, the loveliest place I’ve ever lived. And I’m so glad it’s fall time.
Well it took a long time for her to get to sleep for her nap, and I’ve wasted at least half of it putting these up and looking at kid’s clothes and toys that I cannot and should not afford. Which, obviously does wonders for my state of mind. I should go clean. And muster up some enthusiasm so I’m happy mama when she gets up.