WIN #1 : She is sleeping right. now. Peacefully. IN her bed, no less.
She sleeps peacefully enough on the floor, too, but I’m glad she’s in her bed.
The whole sleeping in a big kid’s bed is still going ok, I guess… but I’m tired. And getting frustrated sometimes. She wakes up much earlier than she used to, goes to bed much later. And it takes longer to put her down. She’s been resisting even getting her blanket on (I still sorta swaddle her) and getting on my lap to nurse. Even that stuff I could stand if she’d NAP reliably. But she isn’t.
I don’t really know, guys. I think she might be bored. I don’t have friends here, and I’m not ok with seeking out people. I honestly don’t know anymore if the social anxiety is… well. Social Anxiety That You Take Pills For And Can Cure Because It’s Wrong To Feel That Way or if it’s just a goddamn personality trait. WHO KNOWS. It is hard to trust the docs and the diagnostic methods They use to quantify just how much neurosis makes a personality disorder.
And godDAMN do I hate that fucking term. Hhhh.
I WANT to think that I’m just a loner. That I’m just not great with people. And be ok with that. Because honestly, I don’t ever feel lonely. I don’t feel bad about it. I guess… what I feel is that… I should. Should feel like there’s something wrong with me, I mean.
It’s not that I don’t like people. There are some great people out there, that I’ve met through work and school and play group. I just get so jumpy and anxious and physically ill when I have made plans to be around people, especially one on one. So, I make excuses or I out and out say that I am just not great at that kind of thing. I know I’ve insulted people because of that before. Which sucks, coz like I said, it’s not personal in the sense that I don’t like THEM.
Here’s me spouting off and unburdening myself of the jumble of fuckery I have in my head before going to write a hopeful resume. Because yer damn right I’m afraid of doing this new thing, and of talking to these new people. I’m afraid they’re going to see what I’ve put in the education field and laugh at me. I’m afraid they’ll see Cook and Janitor and tell me that there are plenty of jobs to be had in those sectors. I’m afraid of simply going in to the Employment Offices – never mind that I’ve already DONE it and have been treated with respect and understanding by the very helpful and positive people there – and be called stupid. Hhh. What causes that in a person? I know that it’s irrational, and that I can do this coursework and that it is a Very Good Course to take – demonstrably so. Hell if I can figure out a way to talk myself out of feeling so uncertain – so it’s just bite the bullet and get a little bit more done every day. At the very least, I can stop dragging my ass on the paperwork.
HOW ABOUT SOME POSITIVE NOW!
WIN #2 of the day was – I got my ass out the door and went to playgroup.
Win 3#? We both enjoyed it. No temper tantrums, no panic attacks. It was a really nice time, we saw some great people that we both missed, Éowyn was interested in a lot of different things, and she played WITH! some of the kids for once. Very cool.
Here are some pictures, as a reward like, if you actually read all that wankery.
This? This. This makes me love my job.
And then I realize that I could just lump everything together in a pile and she wouldn’t care.
I don’t care! I do it for me.
OH! She knows what TOY BOX means, now.
She’s starting to play with her stuffies – really play imagine with them. She hugs them, gives them milk (which… comes out of her mouth for them, for some reason, I dunno what that’s about), put them to sleep, yells at them to WAKE UP!